One week

I just wanted to say that I’m still in the sober game. All is well in that arena. But I’m under the weather again and been in bed for the past 4 days. booooo.

I will be back as soon as I’m well. 😊

 

 

 

 

Detoxing from Sugar and Alcohol

4th consecutive sober day and 3rd whole30 day. I wish I would have started on the same day, lol.

Anyway, the weirdest thing happened last night. I dreamt of sugar and lots of it. Thinking back on it, it’s hysterical. But I woke up with the oddest feeling that I did in fact, experience the dream, that I ate the sugar. It was so real. And it felt shameful.

A bit of back story on me & sugar: I don’t normally ingest sugary type items. I don’t eat candy at all. 90% of the time, I don’t put sugar in my coffee or tea. The only exceptions are when I would treat myself to Carmel Macchiato’s at Starbucks for not drinking alcohol. Same goes with ice cream. When I am actively drinking, I do not consume sugary items.

Granted, I know alcohol is loaded with sugar (thus filling the need for sugary items I suppose). But so is apparently every single food item sold in American Grocery stores. —- What happened America? Why do you want to kill us with sugar?

So, my dream was about the dentist. I decided to go to a dentist that was not my typical guy because this new guy apparently had a better teeth whitening system I was interested in. While I was being assessed, the assistant gave me a “welcome” package. I looked in it and it was handfuls and handfuls of Starbursts chewy candy and Pixie Sticks sugar tubes. I grabbed a Starburst and immediately put it in my mouth while at the same time I asked the assistant why on earth they would be handing out a bag of full of sugar at a dentist office?

I went on to berate her and told her that mouth wash and toothpaste would be a better idea. She told me point blankly that “people don’t like healthy stuff. We give them what they want”.  I proceeded to grab handfuls and handfuls of Pixie sticks in amazement and awe.

And then I thought (still in my dream), that I’m better than this. I don’t eat this stuff. “Oh gawd, I have a Starburst in my mouth! How did this happen! I’ve failed. I’ve completely and utterly failed”.

And then I woke up.

After processing it, instead of laughing, I was actually shocked at how incredibly similar this is to a drinking dream. In just 3 days, my body is craving the sugar it isn’t allowed to have and I’m dreaming about it in ways I would never consume in real life.

So I looked this up and it appears to be something that is fairly common for people doing the Whole30 program. In fact, not only do people detoxing on this food program have the sugar dreams, but they also detox in ways quite unimaginable. Such as vomiting and severe diarrhea. Headaches. Anger. Irritability.

It’s all so similar to detoxing from alcohol. While I haven’t done any research on it, I’m going to guestimate that our brains (and bodies) work the same exact way with anything we put in our systems on the regular and then all of the sudden stop.

So what is the point of all of this? I’m not really sure other than the fact that – as others have pointed out –  Getting sober and healthy really is just a re-framing of the brain. We need to train our minds to not want the alcohol or the sugar. The body will temporarily react, and then it’ll adjust. It takes time to change.

This could be a good thing or a bad thing right now. I feel like I’m really limiting myself and putting my body through a lot. But it’s so early I don’t want to quit the Whole30. However, if I find myself wavering at any point, I would rather be sober than sugar free. So, we’ll just see how long I can go without treating myself to a Starbucks.

Happy hump day everyone!

 

 

Making the decision not to drink alcohol

I feel like I need to exclaim how different I feel right now. So excuse me while I shout from the roof tops (or from sitting at my dinning room table):

I FEEL DIFFERENT! AND R E A L L Y GOOD!

I’ve had enough ups and downs over the past few weeks that I know I enjoy the ups better than the downs. I also have some solid momentum that has built up. I know I wasn’t 100% sober. However my decisions and days were better than they have been in the past. And for that I am grateful.

So here I am on consecutive day two of my sober journey and I’m feeling pretty excited.

I did my first full day of the whole 30 / paleo lifestyle diet today. I even made BBQ wings, something I’ve never made before and they were delicious!

And then, get this, instead of having wine with dinner (who I am kidding?).  I mean, instead of having wine while cooking, during dinner and long into the night — I had water and decaf coffee, and I followed my meal with an orange because it felt like I needed something sweet.

But that’s how simple it was. I just chose NOT. TO. DRINK.

Not because I can’t drink. But because I don’t want to.

I had no cravings today. But I did have empty time. Unplanned, not usual course of the week, empty time…. We had power outages due to a large storm that rolled through and work was not possible to continue to the end of the day, so we called it quits early. Then from 2:30PM on, I was feeling like “what should I do with myself?”

The interesting thing was that I didn’t crave any alcohol during this time period.

It left me realizing I need to find some things to do, at least for this first two weeks to keep myself busy during empty time.

I hope everyone is having a great Monday and have a lovely week ahead of you. =)

A new take on health, the paleo lifestyle

For those that have been following me the past couple of weeks, you know that I’ve been struggling to get and stay sober. It hasn’t been a particular rough time, but my family is incredibly toxic and there just happened to be a lot of family get-togethers in the past 2 weeks that was spawning a major desire to “de-stress” with alcohol. And yes, I caved to all triggers.

Thankfully, I was able to keep myself from getting drunk this past week. I put all of my effort into moderation. I didn’t allow myself to drink with the family or during the events, but I did allow myself to come home and have one or two light beers to kill the headache and/or desire to want to punch someone.

Obviously, I am no better off on my sobriety goal – back at day one – but I am feeling really good about moving forward.

A good online friend of mine emailed to check in on me yesterday and I was happy to hear from her and know that there is an incredible amount of support in this online community. It let me know that I can’t stop trying. I’ve had several months of sobriety in the past and I know I can do this again. I know I have the ability to make it happen and I know it’s where I would rather be.

For the next 60 days, I have nothing going on. There are no parties, no family, no events, nothing. I have no reason not to make this happen this time.

But because I know I need all of the help I can get. I signed up to join a small, local accountability group of people that are participating in the whole 30 diet. I’m personally more interested in a long term paleo lifestyle, but I know that major changes take time and I like the idea of committing to just 30 days to see how it effects my personal health.

Part of this nutritional program is no alcohol or sugar what-so-ever. Also no grains or dairy or anything processed. It’s basically going back to our roots. Eating foods that the cavemen had access to: vegetables, meats, fish and potatoes. Experience and studies have shown this way of eating and lifestyle can remove a lot of daily problems people face today such as gastrointestinal problems, acid reflux, high blood pressure, obesity and even improved skin and sleep! More information can be found here if you are interested.

I think working through the program will help me to better get a hold of my health by making healthy decisions all day, every day. I also like that I have some local people to count on when I’m feeling deprived. I know I won’t be able to rely on them in terms of alcohol cravings, but I am sure they will understand cravings in general and be supportive regardless.

I’ve already spent a lot of time on getting prepared. Yesterday was a day full of meal planning for the week and today was food shopping and food prep for the first 3 days. I’m feeling pretty excited about it because I know it’s going to keep my mind busy enough to keep me from wanting to cave into any alcohol cravings. I’m also really excited to see if it will help alleviate some of the health ailments I experience as well as help me lose a few inches off the waist and thighs!

Today was day one again. It has been a roller coaster ride of up and downs for the last month. But I feel ready. I feel different. I’m even feeling a bit confident in myself this time. We’ll see. =)

 

 

And reset again.

Today is my new day one. Again.

Yesterday was supposed to be my new day one. But I can never make it through family functions without drinking. Amazingly, I did in fact make it through the event, but I was so stressed out, I drank as soon as I got home.

This time I drank until I passed out. And that’s how quickly I can go from “oh, I just had 2 glasses of wine, I’ll be able to get right back on track” to a bottle of wine and several beers the following night.

I’m hungover and it sucks.

The even shittier part is that I booked that non-refundable trip as a reward to myself for making it a month. Now when I get there it won’t feel like I deserve it.

So that is where I’m at right now.

Day one again. Fuck.

I’m not going to write again until I make it through this week sober. So I’ll be back here next Sunday, hopefully talking about how great my sober week was and how happy I am that I’m at 7 full days of sobriety.

 

and then it was 1 again…

Well, not surprisingly, I didn’t make it through the concert last night. It was like a domino of destruction all in one day.

I had it all set up. The parking already pre-paid for. The when we were getting there so I didn’t have to hang out with drunk people too long. That I was driving so I couldn’t drink. It was all good, at least in theory.

But, as usual, pushy friend coming with us was trying to control everything. He wanted to drive. I knew that was a bad idea because of how much he drinks. So I had to stand strong on that front and say no.

Then he gets in the car and doesn’t like the way I wanted to go to get there. I literally had to tell him to stop talking because I was driving and we’d get there all the same. I looked up the traffic reports and the way I was going was just fine.

But that was it. I already had a headache from dealing with him. Leading up to that, it was an all day affair of texting back and forth with him trying to change plans that were already set in place and I just couldn’t take it any longer.

But, on willpower alone, I made it from 4:30-9:00pm without caving into having a drink.

But by 9PM, everyone was drunk around me and I mean everyone. My entire group was at that glassy eyed point of “I’m not sure they even knew where they were” because they had been drinking all day long. The group next to us kept needing us to get up so they could go refill and they were refilling so often, I ended up just standing the whole night to make it easier.

So around 9PM when my husband asked me if I wanted something other than water, I first said no out of habit for the past 12 days, but then I grabbed his shirt as he was walking away and told him, “fuck it, get me a wine”.

And being the drinker that he is, he didn’t question it. He just got it. And once it was in my hand, it felt too late to turn back.

Thankfully, I was able to moderate.  I had 2 glasses of wine between 9PM-12:30AM.

When we got home at 1:30AM, I was already starting to feel hung over because it had been about 2 hours since I had last drank. I was already feeling shame and remorse and a bit shitty about the whole situation with a headache that was probably a combination of wine and loud music.

So just like that: 2 glasses of wine after 12 days of sobriety and I’m back at day one.

The only things I’m thankful for right now is

1. I was able to enjoy the concert and fully enjoy it because it was an amazing 3.5 hour performance by Eric Church and I’m glad I didn’t drink all day and ruin that. I was sober the majority of it and only buzzed for the later half. Not that I’m trying to rationalize here….

2. I’m glad the lines were so long that by the time I even had a chance to get a second glass of wine, I wasn’t feeling any sort of buzz anymore. So I never got drunk or felt tipsy or out of control. Which was a good thing because I’m known to not be able to stop once I start.

3. Because of #2, I don’t have a typical hangover. No feeling sick. No shaky hands. No weird vision things. I have a slight headache, but I’m sure that’s also from how loud it was in the venue as my ears are still ringing post concert experience.

4. That I can start over right now and know that I can make it through today sober and that I would like to continue this journey because I didn’t enjoy drinking last night.

I didn’t find anything fun or liberating about it. I really didn’t get anything out of it at all, other than an empty pocket at $9 for a little plastic cup of liquid and feeling bad about my reset of days.

So that’s that. I shamefully failed, but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. I’m just going to get up and brush my knees off and start again.

 

10 days sober and counting

The past two days have been pretty good. It was like a sudden wave has passed and I’m a bit less edgy. I haven’t had any cravings today, which was good. But I did walk past a liquor store and let my mind briefly think about what it would be like to just give this up and go in. Being that I was on a mission to get another task done, it quickly passed. Which was a good thing. =)

I talked to my hubs and discussed the solo spa retreat trip I want to take. He seemed a bit uneasy about it, but never-the-less isn’t going to hold me back. Then today – like it was meant to be – I got an email from the very same resort offering a buy one night, get the second for $50 deal! So I jumped at the opportunity and booked myself a 2 night stay and will be calling tomorrow morning to get all of my spa appointments booked up for a relaxing, detoxing solo break from life and alcohol. It’s pretty great because I scheduled it at a time that I think will allow me to reward myself for my accomplishments while hopefully also giving myself a bit of a push into reaching the next milestone after that. I’m really looking forward to it.

Friday night will be the second sober concert I’ll have attended in the past year. Last summer I attended the Grateful Dead and managed to remain sober even though I was only 17 days into my sobriety. Talk about tough!

This Friday we’re off to see Eric Church, my all time favorite artist right now. I feel like I relate to SO many of his songs. So I’m pretty stoked about it.

On the flip side though, I’ll only be 12 days sober, so I know it’s going to be hard to begin with, but also the fact that the group we’re going with is full of all heavy drinkers. Including the guy that likes to push his drinking insecurities onto me and has already told my husband he thinks I’m lame and going to ruin the day since I’ve already declared I’m not drinking that day/night. Apparently he wanted to get an Uber to the location and spend all day drinking (from noon to the concert at 8PM at night). Which is just a stupid idea to begin with. Who can manage to drink 8 hours and then actually remember and enjoy the concert? I’m actually glad I’m not drinking because I want to fully appreciate this experience.

So, I announced that I would be driving and because I was the DD, I wasn’t driving there until 5PM. I think 3 hours is plenty enough time to have dinner and then stand around and tolerate boozers until the concert starts. Thankfully my husband is really supportive of this fact and already told him to just deal with it. We’ll see how it really goes on Friday though.

Hope everyone is great and thanks for all of the support on these early days of sobriety!